What have I done?

There is an old (tongue in cheek) saying in software engineering, and systems engineering to be honest, that the definition of an upgrade is “Take the old bugs out, put new bugs in!” It is that situation I find myself in this evening on the eve of the switch the pumping.

From diagnosis pumps seemed like the nirvana of diabetes control, even all the people I interacted with after diagnoses (non-D) seemed to know about it and it came across as the solution to all things. Naturally I immediately looked into this since learning new shit is something I seem to like. Even though these days it feels like the more I learn the more I forget. One thing I realised very quickly on my own was that all pumps were, is a more finely tuned version of what I was doing (MDI) min many ways.

I ruler is a great device for measuring something if all your care about is close enough to the nearest millimetre. A micro meter is stunningly amazing at getting to a thousandth of a mm if you care about it but there is the thing. You have to care and you have to want o do something with that ability. Having a 200mph Ferrari is great but it’s a complete waste of time if you are going to pootle down to the shops for your weekly shop once a week.

It is all about the right tool for the job and the person using them having the skills and desire to use those tools to their best effect. I think many T1’s have certainly got the desire though I wonder if the knowledge to make the most of these finely tuned F1 cars of the diabetes world is there at the start? I guess when I come out of clinic tomorrow I may have a more informed opinion on that but right now, a mere 12 hours before I am to make the switch I find that I am filled with questions and self doubt.

What they hell have I done? I have managed 9 years with no major incidents, no DKA (there were some close calls) no major hypo incidents (no official records so they NEVER happened) and yet I am changing to a completely different formula. I know how to do what I do now with the tools that I have now and I do a pretty good job of it. Why have I chosen to throw all that out the window and start from zero all over again… I must be crazy.

It seems to me that self-doubt is possibly a constant companion of us as humans, though one that carries a whole load of extra baggage as a PWD. We doubt our maths, we doubt our treatment decisions. We doubt almost every single treatment we give ourselves and then worry that we maybe didn’t record what we actually did or we recorded but didn’t do it. The anxiety in worrying if you did in fact give your basal shot and at the correct level. Did you use the correct ratio? The distraction as you monitor your sugars to see if you did do what you think you did or not? It really is exhausting.

I tell myself that is the biggest things that I am giving myself with pumping. I have that second check, I have the machinery to just do the “normal” background stuff so I don’t screw it up (AGAIN!) but then my overactive mind worries about the next thing. What if it fails?

The pen failures I have nailed, I know them all.. I’ve seen them all and can spot them fast and fix them. This pump stuff is so new I have no clue. No baseline, no indicators no nothing. How do a fail back? My various professional lives have always had a strong element of risk management. Identify the things that can fail, document and train for the really bad things and PRACTICE.

Well, these evening I feel like I well and truly screwed myself since I have no clue about the possible failures or emergencies and I will need to guess. I will need to rely on my own gut instinct… the trouble is I am naturally distrusting of my own gut instinct since I have a habit of screwing things up in interesting and spectacular ways. Where my health is concerned that leads to a degree of anxiety.

Is it simply nerves due to change for the unknown, probably. The problem is that the human mind, rational as it may be most of the time, tends to be completely irrational. So please forgive me.. I am having night before pump start jittters and hopefully tomorrow it will all go out the window and life will be all sweetness rum (or gin if that is your preference).

In any case, the future is looking at being rather interesting (I seem to recall an ancient curse along those lines) though I hope and expect with the help of the brilliant DSN’s at the clinic and the amazing friends I have in the #GBDoc I will find a way through this and settle in nicely.

For now I guess I will just try to remember not to be too hard on myself in the new world and learn all I can as fast as I can.

Thanks for reading my rambling drivel dear reader!